"Don’t give up before the miracle happens"

Three stories that exemplify three essential leadership qualities

Photo by Robert Penaloza on Unsplash

Writer’s note: I delivered the following speech on leadership at an investment conference this week.

What is the most significant difference between a manager and a leader? One of the essential differences between leading and managing is that while a manager tells others what to do, influence is a crucial element of leadership. A good leader influences others' thoughts and actions by setting examples. The first leadership skill I want to discuss is "Influence Others by setting examples."

Influence Others by setting examples

How many of you consider your parents among the most influential people in your life? Fortunately for me, my parents are among the most influential people in my life. Today, I want to focus on my dad. When I was four years old, my dad got into a traffic accident. On his way to pick me up, a truck made a sudden illegal turn, crashed into his bike, and ran over his left leg. After several surgeries and many acupuncture sessions, he had to learn how to walk again.

During his physical therapy sessions, I could tell from his facial expression and sweat that every step he took was agonizing. Yet, he never complained. Sometimes it was so difficult to watch him in so much pain that I begged him to skip a session. But He never did. He told me that had he missed a session, his recovery would have been delayed by days or weeks. He was determined to walk on his own feet and return to the life of being a loving father, supportive husband, and productive employee as soon as he could. Still, it took him two years to be able to walk tall on his own again. 

During this long and excruciating recovery period, dad not only learned how to walk again but also taught himself English. His teacher was an English to Chinese dictionary, and he memorized the dictionary word by word. At the time, we often experienced rolling blackouts due to the electricity shortage. Usually, when I woke up from my sleep in the middle of the night, I could see candlelight in the other room, knowing that dad was still studying the dictionary. Later, when the Chinese government gradually loosened its control over the Chinese people, dad started translating foreign engineering articles into Chinese. He was determined not to let one tragic accident cripple him mentally and physically. By the time he retired, he had become a renowned expert in the chemical engineering field.

My dad never asked my siblings and me to do well in school or be somebody; he influenced us by setting examples. We got good grades in school and are doing well in life today, not because he ever demanded us to. Instead, we learned from his example that whatever you do, work as hard as you can and be the best you can be. Once you set a goal, every step you take matters.

Never give up

I also learned from dad that never let circumstances determine how far one could go and never give up. I want to discuss today’s second leadership quality- “never give up.”

I arrived in America in the mid-90s with less than $100 in my pocket. While studying for a master’s degree in economics in upstate New York,  I had three part-time jobs to help make ends meet. I worked at a Chinese restaurant, tutored math to an undergraduate student, and worked at a help desk in a computer lab on campus. The help desk job was my favorite because it was not physically demanding, and I could get a lot of homework done. If someone had a computer-related issue, just telling them to reboot usually worked 99 percent of the time.

In contrast, the work at the Chinese restaurant was the most physically demanding -- I had to be on my feet all the time, doing everything from carrying big trays to scrubbing toilets. Since I didn’t have a car, I had to walk back to my apartment at the end of my shifts. My legs were so stiff that sometimes walking was painful.

To save money, I ate leftovers at a Chinese restaurant whenever I could. Other times, I bought the cheapest food in the grocery store, usually carrots and chicken gizzards. Whenever I cooked chicken gizzards, our neighbor’s cat waited impatiently outside the kitchen window for his share.

Believe it or not, economic hardship was easier to endure than an emotional one. I felt lonely because I was in a strange place all by myself. Some of my classes were initially challenging due to language or cultural issues. For example, when I first heard about the Super Bowl in my marketing class, I thought it was about a big ball. I didn’t understand why everyone was so excited until a kind classmate explained what it was.

I would be lying to claim I had never thought about quitting-quitting school and America all together. But the thoughts of my dad’s struggle kept me going.

Back then, it was expensive to make international phone calls. So my family wrote me letters almost every week. Their love and encouragement became the fuel I needed to keep moving forward. My parents shared with me that when they were in school, the Chinese government decided what their major should be, based on the nation’s needs. Upon graduation, the government decided where they should live and what their job would be. They couldn’t say no because the government-assigned jobs were tied with food rations, and rejecting these jobs would mean starvation. Their experiences helped me be grateful that I got to live in a free society where I had the liberty to define my future as I saw fit, which wasn’t available to millions of Chinese people, including my parents.

After receiving the economics degree, I decided to get an MBA, which was more marketable. I was accepted by the University of Wyoming’s MBA program. Flying to Wyoming cost too much money, so I took the Greyhound bus from upstate New York to Laramie, Wyoming. It was my first cross-country trip in the U.S.  I rode the Greyhound bus for three days and three nights, covering close to 1,800 miles.

Going to Wyoming was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. The University offered me a good scholarship, so I didn’t have to juggle three part-time jobs anymore. I fell in love with the beautiful mountain west. After graduation, I moved to Denver, where I found my first job, fell in love, started a family, and built a business.

Today, professionally, I am an entrepreneur, a nationally recognized author, and a speaker. I also have a loving and supportive husband. I’m living the life that my parents never dreamed of. My American dream began with zero, but it has grown so much because I learned from my father never to give up and never quit when the going got tough. Be persistent and resilient.

Be part of the solution

Do we have any Colorado Avalanche fans here? I hope you will become one after my talk if you are not one yet. Whether you're Avs' fans or not, you probably heard that the Avalanche won the Stanley Cup this year. It was difficult to miss Avs' big parade in downtown Denver last month if you live or work downtown.

Did you know the Avs were the worst team in the NHL six years ago? During the 2016-2017 season, the opponents outscored the Avs by 111 goals. The Avs' record was so bad that it made them one of the worst teams in the history of the NHL. 

Before the season ended, the biggest star of the Avs, Matthew Duchene, had enough. He didn't want to be part of this losing team anymore, so he requested to be traded. His attitude was affecting his on-ice performance too. So before the season ended, he was traded away while playing in the middle of a game. It was a humiliating exit. 

But several other core team members of the Avs, including captain Gabriel Landeskog, assistant captain Nathan MacKinnon, and defenseman Eric Johnson, went to meet the management of Avs. They told the management they were tired of losing, but they wanted to be part of the solution to help make this team better. 

There is no pleasure in losing. But more often than not, we need to lose before we learn how to win. We have to fail before we know how to succeed. Landeskog, MacKinnon, and Johnson worked with Avs' coach and the management to build a new team. They created a culture of excellence and pushed themselves and inspired their teammates to do better and to ensure the worst season never happens again. They applied this standard of excellence to everything from taking practice drills seriously to providing the team with a healthy diet. 

Peter Drucker, a management guru, said this about leadership --"Leadership is lifting a person's vision to high sights, raising a person's performance to a higher standard, and building a personality beyond its usual limitations."

Because of Landeskog, MacKinnon, and Johnson's leadership, their team members excelled too. Nazem Kadri, an Avs' forward, injured his thumb during the playoffs. He missed the first three Stanley Cup games but returned to play for Game Four. Kadri told reporters that his thumb still hurt so bad that he couldn't tie his skate. Yet, Kadri, with a broken thumb, scored the overtime goal and helped the Avs get one game closer to the Stanley cup.

In the last minute of game six of the Stanley cup series, Landeskog broke one of his blades at the time when the Avs were about to switch players. Since he couldn't skate, MacKinnon rushed in to help half carry him to the bench. But part way to the bench, the opponent resumed their offense, and Landeskog told MacKinnon to go defend. Landeskog got on his hands and knees, crawling to the bench to make room on the ice for his teammates to play. Yes, he was crawling on national TV. The Avs won the game and thus won the Stanley cup.

There is no glory without struggle. You can choose to walk away from the pain and shame when you're in a challenging and seemingly hopeless situation. Or you can choose to be part of the solution. Good leadership usually starts with self-leadership. Don't give up. Learn from your loss, be part of the solution, and apply a standard of excellence in everything you do. Influence others by setting examples. Whatever you do, don't hold anything back, even if it means you have to memorize a dictionary, travel in a gray hound bus for three days, play with a broken thumb, or crawl on national TV.

Don't give up before the miracle happens.